The INSIDER Summary:
- Being mad at someone is no excuse for insults.
- You should lay down ground rules for yourself that will prevent you from hitting below the belt with your comments.
- If you feel you can't get that, you should consider seeking help.
When you're angry, you probably don't act like yourself, and that's completely natural. After all, when you're upset, your brain is wired to act out before the rational parts can catch up. So if you're ever mad at someone and feel as though you have a little cartoon man controlling your emotions, you're not too far off.
This, however, doesn't mean you should have free rein to do whatever you want.
There are obviously some horrible things you should never, ever do when you're angry. These include anything physically abusive, mentally abusive, manipulative, and/or threatening. If you or someone you love are exhibiting these behaviors, you should seek help.
But a lot of people tend to employ more common yet still hurtful behaviors when they're angry, and it can really escalate an argument.
If you care about the person you're mad at, you should lay down a ground rule that you won't insult them with below-the-belt comments.
This means that even if your brain is telling you to lob an insult, you should ignore it.
"Saying things like 'you suck in bed' or 'the only reason I started dating you was that I felt sorry for you,' or 'no one would ever marry you, you're too (fill in the blank)," psychologist Vijayeta Sinh owner of NYC Family Therapy, told INSIDER. "Because these shots at others' dignity and self-confidence can have a lasting impact on how they feel about you but also how they feel about themselves."
These types of comments mark a change in your relationship. If you don't mean them, you'll never get to truly take it back. Even if you did mean it, a screaming match isn't exactly the best way to air your grievances with someone.
Once you use this type of tactic during an argument, that person will forever know that you're the type of person who will go after them with harsh words, Sinh said.
"It erodes trust in a relationship when the other person knows you're willing to kick them where it hurts," she said.
If you're feeling overwhelmed with anger and feel like you might say something too harsh or something you'll regret, take a step back and try to de-escalate the situation. If you don't think you can do that, it's better to walk away for a bit than to make a fatal error.
This is also good advice if you do mess up and hit below the belt, Rashawn Brewster, a marriage and family therapist intern and relationship consultant, told INSIDER. You may have an instinct to stay and try to make things better, but that distance is what you'll both need to help clear the air.
"When boxers fight and one 'accidentally' hits the other below the belt, the ref steps in and gives the fighter a moment to catch his or her composure," he said. "When your argument begins to get heated and one of you takes a cheap shot, recognize it and ask for a few moments to regroup. Take a walk, read a book or whatever works for you, but don’t continue the argument until you’ve had a moment to recover from the blow."
If you or your partner or friend can't stop taking potshots when upset, it may be time to end the relationship or seek professional help.
"Seek help and guidance from professionals who know how to give you strategic advice that will help you learn how to fight more effectively," Brewster said. "When fighters get knocked down or can’t figure out what to do next during the fight, they go to their trainer during a break and they get advice that will help them experience more success in the next rounds. You know that there will always be more rounds. The question is, will you leave the fight with your hands up in victory or with your head bowed in defeat."
Join the conversation about this story »
NOW WATCH: 5 mind tricks that are toying with your perception of the world