- Though a large percentage of people have said they remain friends with their exes, I've never really been a part of that number.
- It can be easier to simply break up without wondering which part you played in the breakup or how you could improve, but it's not always healthy or productive.
- I decide to try doing what friends do and ask my exes how to be a better partner. Their honesty taught me the importance of friendship and communication, even when it's tough.
For me, the end of a romantic relationship is the end. I have never had to worry about maintaining a friendship with an ex. When it comes to relationships, I tend to run hot or cold, quick to cut someone off after a breakup without being open to friendship.
It turns out that I'm in the minority. According to Match.com, 50% of people who identify as men and 42% of people who identify as women have said they've remained friends with an ex.
It makes sense. Over the years, I've learned that my approach (i.e. the scorched-earth breakup policy of blocked, unfollowed, and deleted) isn't necessarily healthy. I mean, how can you learn from a relationship when you immediately delete their contact, pretend you weren't hurt, and repress your feelings of loss?
There's no healing the feelings that you won't acknowledge. Not to be dramatic, but it's essentially like leaving an open wound untreated and being surprised when it causes a major infection.
It's not that I don't think I do anything wrong in a relationship because, trust me, I usually know exactly what I did wrong. In my case, it comes down to feelings of vulnerability and fear. I watched as my parents attempted maintaining an amicable, healthy friendship after their divorce only for them to go through a tumultuous, unhealthy, and confusing period of ending that futile on-again-off-again friendship years later. I think I've developed my own defense mechanism of hardening myself off from contacting or befriending my exes for fear that I'll get trapped in a similar spiral or face the alternative of being completely candid about the vulnerability of pain and hurt feelings.
As time has gone on, though, I've realized that this has left me essentially repeating my mistakes, unaware of how exactly I could do better or how to keep important people around consistently.
It's unhealthy not to reflect after a breakup. A little introspection is actually essential to moving forward. A breakup is an opportunity to explore just how you operate both individually and in relationships and to work on the things you want to fix or improve upon.
So, after what has felt like years of shutting the door on my feelings and banishing former boyfriends to the island of misfit exes, I decided to ask a few of them just how I could be better in the hopes that they'd provide me with the tools to improve, instead of repeating old habits.
I texted a few of my exes and simply asked them how I could do better in future relationships while also wishing them well and telling them I was sorry if I hadn't been the best ex or boyfriend I could be.
In doing this, I expected responses of “who is this?” or “that's not how this works,” but the results were actually pretty shocking and in the end, I believe I've learned how to be a better partner.
One ex, who I'd dated for a few months in college before breaking things off after a discussion about long distance and graduation, told me that he hadn't even remembered exactly why we'd broken things off, though he acknowledged it had been my doing. He told me that I'd be fine if I kept doing what I was doing, which was both flattering and telling.
On one hand, it's nice to hear that you're doing something right, even when you feel like you've been unintentionally irresponsible with someone else's feelings. On the other hand, it's eye-opening to remember something: just as I had moved on and lived my life, so would — and had — my exes.
It was narcissistic to assume they'd be interested in giving me pointers or that they'd be hung up on things that had happened years ago.
Another ex, who I'd also broken up after a few months but for different, more complicated reasons, did actually have a few tips and though they weren't surprising, they were a necessary reminder of exactly what I was doing wrong.
“You need to communicate better,” he told me. “About what you want, your feelings, sex. You have to say how you feel.”
He's right. In order to succeed in relationships, communication is key. The presence of healthy, effective communication skills is one of the biggest indicators that you're ready for a relationship.
"Communication is vital for a relationship to succeed,"Jonathan Bennett, a counselor and author of the site The Popular Man, told INSIDER. "However, if you never make an effort to communicate with your partner, or, worse, actively shut down communication, you're a big part of the problem. This means that the issues plaguing your relationship will never be resolved in a healthy way."
Frankly, this partner had deserved those communication skills, even when things were tough or even if I decided it was time to end things.
It was nice for him to give me the courtesy that I hadn't extended to him, especially considering he'd attempted establishing a friendship. I didn't really deserve it.
I really learned that I've been fortunate to date some very encouraging, empathetic, patient men, each of whom had not only great things to say, but whom were also willing to welcome me back with the explanation of a simple, earnest text, something I hadn't really been willing to do for them when I was busy deflecting my pain or attempting to hide from my feelings after a breakup.
I don't know if I learned exactly how to clearly establish the boundary of friendship after a breakup, but I did learn that one of the biggest things to be aware of is the ability to listen and learn.
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